i love this.
the names are very interesting.
the whole story made me smile.
it was quite fun.
i would only suggest more spaces like between stanzas.
but thank you for translating a classic into such fun!
z
Roma and Julius
By Angel of Death
This is the tale of a beautiful princess doll named Roma
Who resided in a girl's toy chest in Oklahoma,
And a handsome prince doll named Julius
Who lived in a castle at Toys-R-Us...
One day Roma's parents grew very sad
She was the only daughter they ever had
And she refused to get married
Roma's mother Verona argued that her choices varied
"Many ask for your hand everyday."
Verona would say.
"But I don't want to marry." Roma would protest.
Verona always interrupted, caring nothing less.
"If you marry Prince Plaid, you'll make me proud."
No, mom, he's too loud.
"What about Lord Lion, like you, he's perfect and bold."
Too old.
"King Kite is flexible and he travels a lot."
Mom, he was injured the day he was bought.
"Roma it really doesn't matter. Just pick a suitor before I get thrown away in the Trash."
I have plenty of time to choose, so I believe we've come to an impasse
Weeks passed and Roma still waited for love
For it was the only thing she could think of
She dreamed of finding her melody to life's duet
But each day she dreamed, the lonelier she'd get
One day a royal carriage came to town
Turning everyone's normal smile into a frown
The Mattels were enemies in the land of Toy
They were the rage with every girl and boy
Roma's family hated them because they stole the throne
Leaving them without an atone
Curious about the Mattels, Roma went out to see them
In the town of Junk, thats where she saw him
He was beautiful, with large blue eyes and curly brown hair
She couldn't help but stare
They locked eyes for about one second, smiles rising on their faces
Then next thing you knew they were sharing embraces
It was love at first sight
But unfortunately they couldn't be, it wasn't right
Prince Plaid spotted the two star-crossed lovers and went straight to Verona
Hoping that in time he'd have the hand of fair Roma
Verona was furious and flew into town
Searching for Roma all around
When she found her, she pulled her away from Julius
All the while, Roma put up a fuss
She was thrust into the arms of Prince Plaid
And forced to marry him, which made her very sad
As for Julius, he was exiled from the toy chest in Oklahoma
But before he left, he promised he'd be back for his sweet Roma
Days passed by as Roma waited for Julius to return
The love that ignited in her soul continued to burn
One day a nurse came to her and said,
"Prince Julius is fighting with Prince Plaid,"
Roma worried that Julius wouldn't win
But she hoped he would come and take her again
Hours passed as Roma waited
The sun set into the night, and the pink sky faded.
"Julius is dead." the nurse announced sighing.
"Oh no." Roma replied crying
As days went by, Roma's days became less placid
Not wanting to live without her Julius she drunk some acid
Later the nurse was beheaded for her lie
She claimed that Verona said she had to do it or else she'd die
Julius found his sweet Roma in her bed
Dead
Not wanting to live worlds apart
Julius took a needle and stabbed himself in his heart
Roma's parents and the Mattels found Roma and Julius's dead bodies holding hands
It was then they decided to stop the feud that separated the two lands
This was the tale of Roma and Julius
A story of two lover's that loved each other so much
That they'd risk making their parents angry
Who would have thought their death would bring unity?
i love this.
the names are very interesting.
the whole story made me smile.
it was quite fun.
i would only suggest more spaces like between stanzas.
but thank you for translating a classic into such fun!
I love it. Sometimees I try to write stories through poetry, but it never seems to work. I love the way it's like Romeo and Juliet but mixed up and the names switched. I would like to say that the rhyming is a bit off at times. I love the ending line: But who knew that their deaths would bring unity?' Love it!
Sorry, I know that it's not much of a critique, but it was so good.
MV
P.S. Tell me when you post another.
It was so cute! Yeah, like the others there were some issues with the rhythm, but if you added a couple words here or there, it's perfect.
Love it!
Thats brilliant.
Good idea having them as toys, it was a different aproach.
The rhyming pattern was off in a few place but that is all the complaints which i have to make.
Good work
Hah, this was so cool! It was like "Romeo and Juliet" Pixar version! xD
I actually had to scoot closer to the screen I got so into it. My eyes hurt now, thank you very much.
=P
The only thing I noticed was that the rhyming pattern was a bit off in places, but I guess I don't need to tell you that since someone already did..
Great poem!
This is really good. it reminds me of Roald Dahl, named Cinderella.
LOL
Anyway, good work and keep writing!
This was so cute! I loved how you transferred it into a toy version of Romeo and Juliet, with the names switched! The name switching was very amusing.
It must've taken you some time to do this.
The only thing that I saw wrong was:
In the town of Junk, thats where she sawhim
Very nice!
A lovely tale you've got here. The rhyming was well done and the rhythm, I must agree, was a little off sometimes. But it works for this poem, in my opinion.
I love how you took the cliche aspect of this and twisted it up; not many people know how to do that. I applaud you.
It was sweet and it had me smiling. I enjoyed it so much. This must have taken you some time, huh?
Nothing to crit here, just a star!
Thanks Mrs. Darcy! I really had fun writing this and I appreciate you taking the time to review this.
~Angel
This is really cute...I love how you translated it into a toy story.
In some places, though, your rhythm was a little off. You might want to add a few feet to, for example, "No, mom, he's too loud," and take out "like you," from the description of Lord Lion to make it run better. And there should be a space between "saw" and "him". And maybe a question mark after "What about Lord Lion" ?
The story had me laughing...The toys were so cute! How he stabbed himself with a pin! It's so sweet.
Points: 890
Reviews: 5
Donate